Ultra Buys The City of Miami So Residents Can't Try To Kick Them Out Anymore

In a power move to end all power moves, Ultra Music Festival has officially announced it has purchased the city of Miami so that it will never worry again about permits or the threat of being kicked out of their home at Bayfront Park. Though, as the press release elaborates, the purchase of the entire city gives them carte blanche to hold the festival wherever they want.

“After the events of 2019, we wanted to make sure that Ultra Music Festival and its attendees would never again have to worry about if or where the festival will be held,” a press release from the festival said. “Ultra and the City of Miami have come to agreeable terms and have handed over the deed of the city to Ultra organizers.”

The move is one of a kind. No other festival has ever gone so far as to purchase the city where it’s held to ensure its unencumbered and infinite survival.

Residents at the meeting were understandably distraught, with many taking to the podium to dispute the sale. However, under a lesser known provision within the city’s own charter, it was found to be possible to transfer ownership of the entire land area to a single entity — in this case, Ultra Music Festival — without vote or approval from its constituents.

“Obviously we have the city’s best interest at heart and we will do everything we can to minimize the festival’s impact on regular Miami events. That being said, we now have absolute power within the city limits and the possibility of even a second Ultra Music Festival in the fall is currently being discussed. If all goes well, we might even add a third, or fourth, one for each season.”

The official announcement is expected this Friday.

Disclaimer: Happy April Fool’s. We know right now that everyone is hurting, and #NoAprilFools is even trending, but we felt that to not bring levity and laughter to an otherwise very grim period in our lives wouldn’t be in line with how we do things. Though we aim to briefly deceive, our aim is not to anger or inflame any pre-existing issues, but to flip the script and examine a world where the inconceivable thrives. We hope you and yours are staying healthy during these trying times.